Two.

Two. The word that puts fear into many. Not for the faint of heart. “Terrible, or tender?” some ask. You live with a two-year-old and I’ll let you decide for yourself. Along the way, there have been good and bad days, great and horrid weeks, breezy and fucking hell months. The problem with a toddler is they give you NO WARNING. They just sort of implode at whatever moment they deem best (re: the worst possible moment). What follows are the ways you know you are eyeball deep in Two:

1) You wake up every morning with “let it go…let it go… Can’t hold it back ANYMORE!”, or in a British voice, “they’re two, they’re four, they’re six, they’re eight. Shunting trucks and hauling freight!”
No matter your child’s poison, welcome to the hell that is catchy theme songs. They were created to capture the hearts of children, and to melt your brain. And just when you think you’ve shaken it, it will come back loud and clear in the seldom quiet shower.

2) Peanut Butter. We put that shit on everything. I buy the giant Costco two packs and run out in a matter of 2-3 weeks. It’s insane. And bananas. Run out of those and you’re kid will suddenly sense the lack of potassium coursing through their blood stream, and demand with great impetuousness the goodness that is a banana… only then to be left half eaten on the couch. (Editors Note- bananas stain…who knew?)

3) Forget Nick, Sweet Cheeks, Baby, and God forbid, anything remotely sexual. No, your partner will now be solely called Mommy or Daddy. Lest you make the same mistake as I, and your two year old yells “Nick!” when daddy doesn’t seem to work.

4) In a similar fashion, you will realize the stupid shit you say and do on the reg. why? Because now you have a parrot. A parrot that likes to hit you right where it hurts and make you sound like a giant jackass.

5) You have begun making rash decisions in an attempt to get a moment of peace and fucking quiet. See exhibit A.