Body Positive Brainwashing

I am not religious. I subscribe to very little other than Netflix, PBS, and public radio. Group-think is really not my style- which is probably why my college social experience was so low yield. But there is one brainwashing movement I can totally get behind: Body Positive.

As a female feminist, it sadly took me about 24 years and one baby to realize that I was being sold a body image that I didn’t even try to buy. After the birth of Bean, I was only 24, but things just weren’t quite the same- my tummy was pudgy and loose, my normally perky barely-B breasts were the size of swollen melons, my hair was thinning and sad. This was what I was left with- my trophy for growing a human was a washed up, stretched out mess of a body- oh, and the baby, who never slept and insisted on being held every second of the day. My identity was shaken in so many ways that I couldn’t even make sense of what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t feel like me anymore- I didn’t feel sexy, smart, even well rested, so how was I supposed to redefine myself with this clingy milk-monkey always attached? This lack of identity shook me to my core. It triggered feelings of inadequacy and poor self image from my adolescence. The desire to be desirable didn’t make sense in this new role as mom. How was I to have worth? Since growing a human and birthing her from my body was not enough.

So I did what any reasonable woman does- I chopped off my hair. I threw caution to the wind. I flew to Atlanta and hopped in front of a camera in my undies.  I brazenly breastfed my babies in public with no cover. I filled my Instagram feed with body positive women, started reading feminist mothering blogs, found a means of exercise that made sense to me. I focused on function, not on my figure. And slowly but surely something changed. I realized, with a lot of introspection, that our society was telling me it didn’t matter that I gave life- my body wasn’t as slender and tight as it used to be. The power of my spirit and endurance of my body to push a human out of my body wasn’t enough. At some point this incongruence clicked in my head- what matters to me is what my body is capable of and that it is healthy and strong. All other opinions can go fuck themselves. 

For me, the power of birth and breastfeeding healed me. No one can take away from me what by body is capable of. I have sustained human beings for the past 4 years of my life- that much work is going to leave some marks. And why would I want my body to look like it did before I had children? I am by no means the same person- I am much more gentle, loving, patient, wise, and tired. I want a body with some miles to show for the work I have done. I officially subscribe to Body Positive brainwashing. Because that has saved me from myself. 

There are days that I have to fight the constant battle of inadequacy. Like a not so good friend that won’t stop calling- but I’m refusing to answer. I am choosing to take this a day at a time. For the health and wellbeing of myself and my girls. My beautiful little girls will never hear their mother say a bad thing about the body and grew, birthed, and fed them. If making them isn’t enough to be satisfied, then what message does that send to their developing minds? 

I know that is a lofty goal. But they deserve that and so much more.