Thoughts From A “Working Mom”

Truth: I have not always been a working mom. But as a mom, I have always worked. My ass off to be precise.

When Bean was born I was in the throws of grad school. I had the luxury of going to school full time and staying home with her on my days not in clinic. All told, I averaged being gone about twice a week for the first year and a half of her life. We managed it without any formal childcare (I would not recommend- I cannot say enough good things about quality childcare). Honestly? It was hell. I was unhappy. She was bored. Nap time was spent writing papers, doing dishes, attemping a modicum of exercise. This was a sweet time that I rushed by. I was not the best me. I felt this constant battle between profound laziness and a hypermanic desire to do all-the-things. I was a grad-school mom, but that doesn’t really sound all that catchy. So this time in my life I was considered a stay-at-home-mom, who happened to be a full time grad student. A bit of a misnomer.

Fast forward two years and I just went back to work full time two weeks ago from unpaid maternity leave with Pea (I’ll save that post for another day…). I have had a lot of time to think about what it means to be a Working Mom- or rather, how we choose to define ourselves as mothers based on what we “do” and who cares for our children when we are away. All mothers do a core set of things: we feed, we nurture, we bathe, we clean, we wipe (God, do we wipe), we transport. Some mothers do more of some things, less of others. At the end of the day, your type of motherhood (or parenthood for that matter), should not be defined by if you work outside of the home or not. That oversimplifies who we are as people- it tries to force us into boxes that miss out of nuances of personhood. And after all, it is really more of a spectrum.

Our society is much more comfortable with saying a SAHM only understands other SAHMs, and working moms the same (which totally screws over SAHDs). But truthfully, if we can just break down the boxes and say we are all moms with different lives to live, the same way that each of us have different relationships with our partners, it certainly makes for easier (and more fulfulling) conversation. It can be nice to talk to a SAHM friend about how much I wish I could not shower every day, while they nod their head in agreement. And I am happy to acknowledge that eating lunch by myself without sharing is really pretty wonderful. This is because parenthood is not a competition. Life is not a competition of who works the hardest, or loves the most, or gives the most shits. It isn’t about proving a point, it’s about enjoying the lives created. And bitching when it gets hard to someone who understands, or at least makes an effort to.

When I think of the ways I define myself, of course my career is a big part of that. But first and foremost are my relationships. I consider myself a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, and friend. If I were to limit myself to people who have similar looking lives as myself, I would have missed out on some of the very best, most awesome relationships in my life.

Just because I am a “working mom” does not mean I work anymore than the next parent, or that I love my children any less.  I let that shit go a long time ago. It just means I have to lean a bit harder on someone else to help care for my babies. That I spend a lot of time pumping. That I miss first milestones. That I drink my coffee listening to a podcast on my commute every morning. That I get texts throughout the day of how my girls are doing, instead of knowing for myself. That I come home to a house of people I have missed all day. There is good. There is hard. And that looks different for everyone.

But it also makes me a sugar mama. Which, in my book, is worth showering every day.