Suburbia

Welcome to Suburbia

December 26, 2015 /

Suburbia.

Heaven or Hell? Whatever your answer, we are living it. Not just living it, we are it. Two kids, a dog, a stay-at-home parent. I’m not sure at what point we went from cool, young couple with hip goals and plans to shake shit up,  to overtired, glassy eyed parents just making it. But alas, here we are. And you can too!

10 Ways You Know You’ve Made It: Suburban Edition

  1. The local grocery store home-shoppers (the people you pay to do your grocery shopping for you), give you hugs when you pick up your groceries and ask how the kids are when it’s been more than two weeks since you placed your last online grocery order. Bonus Point: they say nothing when your order consists of caffiene, desserts, and tampons.
  2. You and everyone you know have the exact same jogging stroller (shout out BOB Revolution!) and could hold a solid dinner conversation debating the merrits of different strollers based on wheel stability, terrain, age of children, and one-handed-collapsibility.
  3. You have had a run in with the local Parenting Group (Mothers Club, Fathers Club, Nannies with hot bodies Club) and have called your best neighbor for an airing of grievances that results in her subsequent disenrollment of said group.
  4. You are on a first name basis with the neighborhood builder’s handyman. This has proven to be extremely advantageous and many neighbors question what sexual favors you have exchanged in order to have so many free repairs made on your house.
  5. Yoga Pants.
  6. An off the charts weekend consists of Friday night dinner that keeps the kids up past 8, Saturday morning Stroller Strides, baking and eating all 24 cookies during nap time, a playdate at the park, Sunday morning brunch that includes only three meltdowns and even more mimosas, a trip to Target (with the kids…) and meal prep for the entire week before dinner is even ready. #momminghard
  7. There is that one guy that everyone knows…the insecure, oversharer. You’re walking down the street, sitting at the park, picking up your dog’s shit- and suddenly there he is. He is everywhere. You’re trapped for at least 10 minutes. Welcome to the seventh circle of hell.
  8. You complain to your friends, neighbors, the HOA, anyone that will listen, about how the sidewalk in front of your house really did not meet expectations (the unlevel-ness of it really is a problem…) and you would like to know how it can be rectified. #firstworldproblems
  9. You recieve more text messages from the dog walker than your friends, and the last time you attending an event outside of the neighborhood was most certainly because your hand was forced.
  10. Tina Fey is your hero. And Costco is your religion.

Welcome to the (clearly not too exclusive) neighborhood.